Fasting, Working and Playing...

Last night I had the most amazing experience that I feel like I wanna share with all you cool cats. It was around 5:30PM here in Utah,and I was doing absolutely nothing all day. So I had this prompting to lock my door, get out my scriptures and journal and have a two hour scripture study/journal/record feelings session. On top of that, I decided to go ahead and start a fast for enlightenment...I got so many answers and my life honestly already has this new feeling to it...new air that circles me and embraces me with cheer and honest to goodness happiness. It's hard to describe, but I love it so much...it makes my heart happy. :)

Today I went back to work at Applebee's...it was a good experience! It honestly felt like I had never left. I saw Jill for the first time in forever and we were like two kids I swear! She is my best friend there :) I love that cat! The restaurant has started this new game--we hide this dumb little storm trooper and all the other employees have to find it hidden in the restaurant. It's so addicting, and it makes time go by soooo much faster! It was so slow today so it was nice having something to do....sheesh!

Along with going to work, Cody Jo and I went accessory shopping for her cute new house she's going to buy! What an example she is to me! I love her to death! She's 19 and she has more life lessons down than a 45 year old man does I swear! I cannot wait to play in her new house and have sleep overs :) She spent alot of money, but knowing Cody her house is going to be SOOO adorable! I can't wait to start crashing there! Haha!

Well I'm supposed to hang out with Kiersten and Bickley tonight, so I'm going to be finished now...but I'll tell you all this...

JANUARY I AM GOING TO START MASSAGE THERAPY SCHOOL!! :) My Dad gave me the OKAY and that's what I'm going to start next year...by July I will be a certified MASSAGE THERAPIST! Oh joy. :) I can get a real job...<3

Much love!

Picking up the pieces exactly where I left them...

Well now. Here comes that blog post that I think that about 3 people have been waiting for....yes, yes. I am now home in Utah. I'm not going to tell you what happened because I'm sick of telling the story, but what I will tell you is this...

I am so grateful for the people in my life, and the experiences that I get to have because of said people. Being in New York for almost three months opened up a lot of doors in my brain, and if I ever got the the chance to do it all over again I would say yes in a heart beat. I met people who will always be imprinted in my heart, and I saw places I thought I would never see as a teenager. I moved out of my house at 19 to move to a completely new place, and all I did while I was there was complain about how much I missed my home. I wish I would have known I'd be home so soon...

So all that is left now is to tell you all this--I learned from such a great experience. I know I SHOULD have written more and I know that I SHOULD have done this and that, but you know what? I lived my life for the first time...and I know what to look for now for the next time I have an experience to live. I'm back home, and this is where I belong...for now.

So this blog isn't going to end, but I can't guarantee there is going to be that INTERESTING of stories to tell...so I'll just have to make the stories happen, right!

:) Until next time my friends. <3

day fifty seven, safe haven

day fifty six : fixed

Howdy Utahns and New Yorkens and Whoever else reads this nonsense!

Well I've been very productive today, my friends. I'm finishing up laundry that was long over due, which includes the kids sheets (which smelled like nothing I have ever encountered before) and the blankets. The house is starting to smell FABULOUS. :) I can't wait until I'm all done and the kids come running in and throwing everything in their hands here and there. Yay for constant messes! Haha.

Well Taylor is napping right now, and Tommy is home sick. Teresa and Tony are out of town for business, and Teresa's parents and their other babysitter Monica are going to be helping me out while they are gone. SUCH A LIFE SAVER. I have taken showers and naps for granted back before I was a nanny...I get so tired with these kids it's crazy I have the energy some nights to go out and play with the girls from church! Tonight is sports night, which I won't be staying at for too long...it gets too tiring to run around and play volleyball when running on not too much sleep...

Well just for a little update, I feel LESS and LESS emotional everyday since my crazy break-down on Sunday. I guess it was bound to happen...I should be proud! That was the first time I had such a crazy homesick flurry since I got here! Way to go! I can last 2 months without my friends! Haha...but I'm doing much better. So many people here are so nice to me! I mean seriously! I'm a total jerk sometimes and they treat me like I'm this saint! PSH! It's sorta nice.... :)

On a different note I'd like to give a shout out to the SPETERS for their new nephews and grandsons coming at the end of the year! HOW EXCITING! :) I can't wait to meet the new little ones!

I'm going to continue cleaning now, but ya'll come back now.

day fifty four--church galore.

Oh Sunday. You give me the most wonderful gifts every time I decide to treat you correctly.

Issues resolved and feelings of being worthless have subsided, now all that lays in front of me is some sort of 'blank canvas' you could say. (I would LOVE an actual blank canvas right now. Anything that I can scribble on would be great!...So get crackin'.)

I love how Sundays make me feel. It's true that the Sabbath washes away all the weeks sorrows and problems. I feel new, but still drained. It's a good drained though...like the one you get right before you take a really pleasant nap. I can't wait to go to bed tonight and wake up in a new week with a new life. (Even though it SHOULD have been new like 2 months ago. It's just now hitting me that I have to actually deal with my problems! Ha!)

Well it has been a long day and this blog post is unfortunately going to be baby sized.

October is coming up, which is a relief. It seems September always makes me feel like a big blah ball. Halloween will be here, then Thanksgiving, then Jayson and Cody, then Christmas, then Shalese! =) I have tons to look forward to...thats healthy right?

day fifty three - long time no see.

Hey all--

I apologize for the slack job I have been doing keeping up with my blogging. At this point, I feel as if the time spent blogging could be spent sleeping. I am always exhausted, and I don't know why. Diet, probably. Maybe the lack of water. Maybe it's the feeling that automatically replaces the feeling of being home sick, since feeling that seems to have numbed away now. It's been almost 2 months now, you'd think that I would be over a place like Utah. Full of people who judge you; people just like you who secretly stare down your outfit and nit-pick the details but smile at you with such a fake sincerity that you could believe that it's true. I miss my home. I miss the flaws it carries. I miss the smell of the sulfur that bubbles up at night when it rains from the Great Salt Lake. I miss the way the mountains change everyday. I miss how the stars seem to twinkle with such intensity you'd think you were in sunlight. I miss those stupid magpie birds that ate all the trash, but still looked brilliant with the black and white feathers. I miss the days it'd rain with the sun shining so brightly. I miss the snow days that the schools never issued. I miss waking up not drenched in the nights humidity like here in NY. I miss my non-LDS parents who were not perfect, but tried as old-fashioned as they could to keep me happy. I miss my little brother who seemed to pick the worse moments to call me fat. (usually when I had a piece of cake or Wendy's.) I miss my fluffy cat, Mouse...I miss Jayson, Kiersten, Cody Jo, Rachel, Shalese, Bickley, Adrian, Robert, Jared, The Hulk, The rest of the Jordans, The Speters...I miss the familiarity that home brings.

This place is not home. It's were I currently reside.

I don't hate it, though. In fact, it's great.

But it's not my dysfunctional home...does that make me selfish?

Who cares. All I know is that time is supposed to heal everything. Why do I feel sicker than ever?

I have come to a conclusion.

I have been living my life empty.

Nothing seems to make me feel solid, but nothing makes me want to flutter away, either.

I'm just grounded, stuck but moving as if in autopilot. Robotic.

I can't seem to place what special substance, event, or feeling can fill this void of emptiness.

The word "Gospel" materializes in my head when I think of the word "Void."

Then when I see the word "Gospel" in my head, I get this feeling of relief that brings tears. The tears remind me that it's okay to feel alive. Being closed off is not human. Being open is human. Feeling human is correct. Feeling robotic is incorrect. To be correct I must let go of whatever is holding me in this weird half-light-half-dark area where I can see the greatness life offers but can't seem to grasp it.

This is my life now. It hasn't hit me yet that I'll be here until next year. I know that once I leave I'll be struggling back in Utah, but for this moment now home feels like it'd mend whatever issue is bellowing up inside me, but I know that it won't.

I understand that all of this seems to be a little too open, but you see it's part of this process I have been working on for quite some time now. I'm not going to hide the anger, the sadness, the happiness, and the times where my body doesn't quite know how to interpret the feelings...I'm going to just let it all show. This isn't a shout of that I am unique, or that I am different, or that I think everyone should know my quirkiness. This is a genuine attempt at a change in me--in my very person, in my mind, and in my soul. This is going to be something much bigger than just my daily routine posted so that other people with lives that are different but the same can read through and compare how their schedules are harder. This is my attempt at recording everything in my life, so that those who read can know that I lived.

--More to come soon. I have to organize what I have done so far in my life and post it chronological or I'll have some OCD attack.

day thirty two; oh the things I've been through...

Hey everyone. So it's been a while since I have written in my blog so I am soooo sorry for the late update. Things get crazy, and I shouldn't make excuses, but I just couldn't find the time to write until now. So thank goodness for Sundays, right? Speaking of Sundays...

Today was great. I really needed the lesson today in Relief Society. It really opened my eyes to what I'm supposed to be doing on this planet...I'm supposed to have Christ as my center, and as my number one priority...but I find myself thinking more and more about myself and less about the Savior. It's so hard to find the perfect balance of work and play...but having the Lord as your center doesn't have to be work or play. It's just what you're supposed to be. You shouldn't consider having Christ on your mind as much as possible as work, you should consider it a blessing! That's something that is so hard for me to get in the habit of...but good things don't come so easily. I have to work as hard as I can to get myself into the groove of what I should be...it's taking me years to get myself just here, and I am far from being to where I need to be. But at least I'm on the path right?...

Anyway. Life here in Manhasset has gotten a lot less stressful...I have most of what I need to get done down to a routine, and wouldn't you know it school starts on Tuesday, so I'm going to be starting a whole new routine...haha just my luck! :) It's exciting though...during the day I'll have Taylor so I can get more house work done and the gym that I am looking into go to has a place for kids to play in while the mothers or caregivers work out for about an hour or so, so I can get healthy like I played. I am GOING to get myself to where I need to be, whether or not its now or when I move back to Utah! I am GOING to get healthy. I seriously can feel my heart stop everytime I think about eating something unhealthy...but I still do..hahaha! I'm a mess!

Anyway AGAIN. I cant tell you what has happened everyday since the last time I have written, but i can tell you that this weekend was very chill, and that I basically hang out with Jamie and Brooke every single night. I absolutely love it. I need examples like these girls in my life because it is so easy to fall off the path...I was talking to a dear friend of mine and he is so keen on me being this amazing Mormon but it is so hard when you aren't surrounded by them! I miss Utah tons, but I also looooooooooove it here. The people are different and new, and I'm different and new to them so it's nice to feel special...

I honestly can't believe that I haven't been keeping up as much as I wanted to!I promise to keep talking and writing as much as I can...I think the past few days I have been bummed out because I haven't been keeping in contact with all of my friends from home as much as I would like to! So you ALL have to keep in touch with me....well you know if you want to....hahaha

Well a little bit about the kids...everyone has pretty much gotten used to me...i still feel bad when i have to give discipline or when they think that I am the bad guy, but I have to do what I have to do to make sure they dont get hurt or anything! It's tough when the girls fight over toys or TV channels or the computer...but I get it done. Haha. I think my only issue is Grace because she's 11 and I don't think she thinks I have authority over her, because I haven't really had to show her that I'm in charge yet. Hopefully that goes over well...haha

Well. I will for sure write again tomorrow. I need to keep it up!!!

Goodnight!