I apologize for the slack job I have been doing keeping up with my blogging. At this point, I feel as if the time spent blogging could be spent sleeping. I am always exhausted, and I don't know why. Diet, probably. Maybe the lack of water. Maybe it's the feeling that automatically replaces the feeling of being home sick, since feeling that seems to have numbed away now. It's been almost 2 months now, you'd think that I would be over a place like Utah. Full of people who judge you; people just like you who secretly stare down your outfit and nit-pick the details but smile at you with such a fake sincerity that you could believe that it's true. I miss my home. I miss the flaws it carries. I miss the smell of the sulfur that bubbles up at night when it rains from the Great Salt Lake. I miss the way the mountains change everyday. I miss how the stars seem to twinkle with such intensity you'd think you were in sunlight. I miss those stupid magpie birds that ate all the trash, but still looked brilliant with the black and white feathers. I miss the days it'd rain with the sun shining so brightly. I miss the snow days that the schools never issued. I miss waking up not drenched in the nights humidity like here in NY. I miss my non-LDS parents who were not perfect, but tried as old-fashioned as they could to keep me happy. I miss my little brother who seemed to pick the worse moments to call me fat. (usually when I had a piece of cake or Wendy's.) I miss my fluffy cat, Mouse...I miss Jayson, Kiersten, Cody Jo, Rachel, Shalese, Bickley, Adrian, Robert, Jared, The Hulk, The rest of the Jordans, The Speters...I miss the familiarity that home brings.
This place is not home. It's were I currently reside.
I don't hate it, though. In fact, it's great.
But it's not my dysfunctional home...does that make me selfish?
Who cares. All I know is that time is supposed to heal everything. Why do I feel sicker than ever?
I have come to a conclusion.
I have been living my life empty.
Nothing seems to make me feel solid, but nothing makes me want to flutter away, either.
I'm just grounded, stuck but moving as if in autopilot. Robotic.
I can't seem to place what special substance, event, or feeling can fill this void of emptiness.
The word "Gospel" materializes in my head when I think of the word "Void."
Then when I see the word "Gospel" in my head, I get this feeling of relief that brings tears. The tears remind me that it's okay to feel alive. Being closed off is not human. Being open is human. Feeling human is correct. Feeling robotic is incorrect. To be correct I must let go of whatever is holding me in this weird half-light-half-dark area where I can see the greatness life offers but can't seem to grasp it.
This is my life now. It hasn't hit me yet that I'll be here until next year. I know that once I leave I'll be struggling back in Utah, but for this moment now home feels like it'd mend whatever issue is bellowing up inside me, but I know that it won't.
I understand that all of this seems to be a little too open, but you see it's part of this process I have been working on for quite some time now. I'm not going to hide the anger, the sadness, the happiness, and the times where my body doesn't quite know how to interpret the feelings...I'm going to just let it all show. This isn't a shout of that I am unique, or that I am different, or that I think everyone should know my quirkiness. This is a genuine attempt at a change in me--in my very person, in my mind, and in my soul. This is going to be something much bigger than just my daily routine posted so that other people with lives that are different but the same can read through and compare how their schedules are harder. This is my attempt at recording everything in my life, so that those who read can know that I lived.
--More to come soon. I have to organize what I have done so far in my life and post it chronological or I'll have some OCD attack.
.jpg)
No comments:
Post a Comment